Soda Machines and Rings
by Koch'sglory
Summary: A simple effort to get a soda turns horribly wrong for Legolas. Now a chapter 2
1. Chapter 1

Soda Machines and Rings.

It was a hot day on the Rohirrim plains thought Legolas as he and the others tracked the trail of the Uruk-Hai. The Betty Crocker labels strewn in a very even path were all the evidence of their passing…along with the flaming torches, decapitated bodies, and 20 mile wide neon sign which, coincidentally, pointed to the Uruks exact location with a very large arrow. The sign also gave the life functions of said Uruks. Hey, you gotta' know. The two suns…scratch… the sun shone brightly down, making the heat overly oppressive. The waving grass smoked, making the remaining fellowship, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas, slightly high. Gimli fell into a ravine twice because of his altered condition. He fell for 15 seconds until making a solid thump at the bottom, leaving a pleasant Gimli angel in the dust. This wasted time as the other two trekked down the very deep ravine to recover Gimli and pull him from his artistic talent, the ability to lie in dirt.

Legolas sweated, if that's what elves do. I don't think they do. In that case, Legolas panted, sticking his tongue out to lose excess heat. Aragorn and Gimli, being non-elves, sweated. Eww.

Legolas, deciding that his wearing of 62 pounds of insulated clothing was a bad idea, removed his sweatshirt and threw it behind him in a disco style dance move. The large hot ball of wool hit Gimli in the face, oppressing him until he fell into the ravine again, which Legolas and Aragorn had to fish him out of.

"Legolas," Aragorn sweated, "Do you have any liquids which I can process?"

"Negative," Legolas panted, "I haven't had the chance to fill up my magic canteen recently. A shame."

"Hey," Aragorn shaded his eyes, looking out over the plains. "There's a boxlike object up there. What could it be?"

In due course, the trio made it to the said box object, (don't you love my story of adjectives) and examined it. A large sign on the front said, "Cola!" And a few buttons ran down the side.

"Hey!" Legolas exploded. "A soda machine! I'm parched!" Legolas fished around in his quiver, pulling out two dollars. "It says $1.25 a soda. I'm getting one!"

Legolas inserted a dollar, waiting for it to be processed. The sign stated one dollar had been entered. Legolas than timidly entered the next dollar, watching as the machine took it in. It returned presently, crinkled up.

Legolas grabbed it irritatedly, smoothing it, and then put it into the machine. Seconds passed. Then a loud whirring sound was hurd. The dollar slot spit out 20 pieces of a dollar, rejecting the cash. "Hey!" Legolas cried, grabbing the drifting pieces. "It ate and spit up my dollar!" Aragorn snickered in the background as Legolas put on a sad puppy dog face. He looked at the sign, which stated $0.00. "Wait!" Legolas cried again, punching the machine. "I put in a dollar before, and now it's not even stated!"

Gimli let out a retarded laugh. "Hehehehehe."

Legolas, Irritated, put in another two dollars. They were taken, and registered. "I want a misty mountain mist." Legolas muttered pushing the Misty Mountain Mist button. (Why did I capitalize misty mountain mist the second time, not the first time, and then not when I just stated it again? The world is a confusing place.) A whirring sound was heard, and then nothing happened. Legolas irritatedly pushed the button again. He looked down to see it was stuck in place. "Fine…Fiery Dr. Doom." Legolas pushed the button and waited. Nothing happened. (Crickets in background)

Legolas looked down to see that button was pushed in. He was about to push another button when all the buttons pushed in automatically at the same time on their own account. Legolas, confused, tried to understand what was happening in his feeble elven mind. "Hey, where's my soda!" He looked up to see that the register price was $0.00. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Legolas inserted more cash, and the buttons unpressed themselves. He rapidly pushed Misty Mountain Mist, and a rumbling sound was heard in the machine. The soda shot of the bottom directly into Legolas's stomach, winding him. It simultaneously exploded, leaving a very wet and embarrassing mark. Legolas fell over, clutching his stomach. Aragorn, disgusted, walked away. Gimli stared at Legolas, mouth agape.  
Legolas inched to his feet, crying, and inserted more cash. He pushed the soda button, and stood away from the machine warily. Nothing happened. Then a voice was heard. "Haha, you're on Candid Camera."

"Oh, thank goodness." Legolas sighed.

"…NOT!"

"WHAT!" Legolas ran up to machine and kicked it. The machine simply shot out another soda, blowing this one up on Legolas's shoulder. "Ow."

Legolas walked up to the machine and pushed the money return button. An electrical shock jarred him, and he let go quickly. "WHY ME?"

Legolas, still to retarded to assimilate the problem, put in two more dollars. He looked at the receipt sign. "$56.00…what?" The machine shot out soda after soda. The first one hit Legolas in the stomach, making him double over. The next hit his face, jarring him. The next two hit both arms, then four went to his groin. A couple more knocked him off his feet, and more went into his head. Then, 10 shots pelted Legolas, who had started to stand, but felt better in the fetal position. All the sodas exploded on contact, leaving Legolas a wet shivering mess. He groaned.

Gimli walked up to the machine and looked at it. "I have shiny quarter for you machine." Gimli pulled out a golden loop and looked at it.

Legolas looked from the ground. "Hey, is that…the one ring? GIMLI! What are you doing with that, what does Frodo…

_Meanwhile…_

Frodo pulled out his chain. "Hey, this is a quarter."

_Present…_

Gimli put the ring into the machine. A loud purring noise was heard, a soda plopped down. Gimli took it and threw it into the grass, where it exploded, and then ran away. Legolas stood up, stared at the machine, and followed the others.


	2. Chapter 2

Soda, er, beer machines and ri, no, and stuff

Dark drips echoed through the darkness of Khazad-Dum. Large pillars of intricately wrought stone stood against the emptiness of the mine and the large ampli-movie theater. A small gaggle of dwarves made their way through the depths, intent on watching "Love Me and Leave Me" whilst crying away their tears into large buckets of popcorn. Unfortunately, movie theaters, although supposedly found in Khazad-Dum, had not been invented yet. Do not pay attention to the previously said statement, "large ampli-movie theater." It was this small unforeseen matter that the dwarves had not heard about, and they were now lost in a world without a movie theater where once there was, just as I am lost in a world without a movie theater where once there was, except, I'm not in a mine, but on a very tall mountaintop considering the final coincidences of my committing suicide. I have simply sat down with my very portable and wide ranged internet device, where I am typing this sentence, hitherto. As I have most likely confused you to unknown limits, I shall return to the story as quickly and efficiently as possible. My deepest mistakes and I digress willingly.

Ahem, a small gaggle of dwarves made their way through the depths, listening to the far off drips and screeches. Now that there were no movie theaters, their immediate quest was on standby, and they had no idea what to do. They were standing in a dark enormous cave, where only darkness and evil ruled, just as I am standing in a dark enormous cave, where only darkness and evil ruled…on a mountaintop…considering the coincidences of my committing suicide. Yes.

The lead dwarf, who was quite chubby and not at all considering suicide, Bombur, was the leader of the expedition for what doesn't exist. He and his two cohorts, Dain, king of the mountain, (aka. Dwarf King), and Balin (not king of the mountain, never good at games.).

"Where does the nonexisting movie theater lie?" Asked Balin innocently. The darkness had not done any good for him, and his heavily laid on makeup was running terribly, leaving green, blue, and red streaks across his face.

"It lies in the realm of nonexistence." Replied Bombur innocently as well, his 56,834,673 pounds of fat jiggling happily. "Does it not seem strange that we are searching for something that doesn't exist?"

"Huh, **_youre_ **strange. Hehe." Dain laughed innocently, picking up a handful of rocks and throwing them at Bombur.

"Ow, meany." Bombur cried innocently in a corner with a large sign over it stating, 'Bombur's crying corner'. Balin stared at Dain weakly, and walked off in a completely random direction, nearly as random as the story I am typing now as I am falling from the very large mountaintop I talked about before, evidently making up my mind. These last two paragraphs have been eventful ones for me. I am sure you are just as thrilled as I am.

Bombur, ideally coming out of his trance, followed Dain and Balin off the charted map zone of the charted map zone, where charted maps were zoned. They walked quietly, only being interrupted by the loud foghorns, explosions, avalanches, inhuman tortured screams, and flying knives.

After the long trek through living hell, the trio lay down to rest. Bombur, nearly having a heart attack from the experience, looked over the 12 feet they had just trekked, thinking it odd how so many events had happened in such a short time.

He shielded his eyes and looked around. He quickly did a double take when he saw an odd box, just as I did a double take whilst seeing a pink flying moose talk to me on my rapid descent down. Quite an odd phenomenon, I can inform you.

"Lads!" Bombur said, er, innocently, using his last ounce of energy. There's an odd box out there!"

"REALLY!" Dain said with dwarfish anticipation, which is a thin line between homicidal rage.

"Yeah!" Bombur jiggled back. "Come look!" With that said, the three made the final 4 feet to the box, and then looked at it in anticipation.

The front said, "Fresh malt liquor," and small buttons ran down the side. "I'm getting an odd sense of deja-vu." Balin muttered from the back.

Bombur jumped around in glee, rocking the mine to its foundations. "Beer! I love Beer! It says, $2.50 for a beer! YAY!" Bombur pulled out a $5 dollar bill, and pushed it into the slot eagerly. The machine registered the cash, and a small mug appeared at the bottom, a hose over it. "What should I get?" Bombur asked aloud, even though neither other dwarf cared or would be listened to. "There's Beer Basted Rib Juice, Hopping Hobbits, Dragon Belly, Dains brew…"

"They stole it!" Dain cried, foaming at the mouth. "That's my recipe! Argh! Curses! Curses! Cheats, Liars! Scum! Burn in the East heretics! AAAAH!" Dain ran towards a large crack in the ground and jumped in, his screams and curses being heard for 2 full minutes before disappearing into nothingness. The others stared at the crack, and then looked away.

"Oh well, crazy loon." Balin muttered, eying the buttons.

"Ooh, I want Hopping Hobbits, yum!" Bombur pressed the button, and received an electric jolt, zapping his body. "Hey! Electricity hasn't been invented yet!"

"Balin shrugged, obviously not caring. Bombur went back to his pressing business. He pushed the button again, receiving another jolt. Angrily, he kicked the machine, hurting his foot in the process. "Fine." Bombur pushed Dragon Belly. A smoking brew appeared at the bottom, inside of the mug at the bottom. Instead of stopping at the top of the mug, however, it overfilled, giving the $5 amount instead of $2.50. Bombur, being the glutinous dwarf he is, jumped under the hose, his mouth agape. The beer stopped as his mouth came near.

"Aww, oh well." Bombur picked up the mug, and felt a burst of heat. "Ouch!" He cried, dropping the mug. The contents fell all over the floor, seeping into cracks. Bombur's tongue was not quick enough to catch a single drop as he licked the floor.

"NOOO! I JUST WANT BEER!" Bombur put in more money, and did the same retarded thing as before.

"NOOO! I JUST WANT BEER!" Bombur put in more money, and did the same retarded thing as before and above.

"NOOO! I JUST WANT BEER!" Bombur put in more money, and did the same retarded things as before, far above, and just listed above.

Bombur started to feed more money as Balin grabbed him and pulled him away. "Listen! Stop doing the same thing!"

"NOOO! I JUST WANT BE…" A swift hit to the head stopped Bombur mid sentence.

"Watch me, I'll show you what to do." Balin put in money, and waited for it to be registered. "Hmm. Aaah, this looks good." Balin hit 'Balins bane', where a picture of a fiery hell with Balin standing in it was seen, and waited. Nothing happened. Then, a loud ominous sound was heard.

"Err, whoops." Balin looked around nervously. "Better run!" Balin ran off in a direction while a Balrog jumped out of nowhere and gave chase. Bombur, meanwhile, was embracing the machine.

Bombur put in his money, and the machine started spewing beer out. As he picked up the mug, Bombur noticed there was a hole in the bottom. "What, no!" he cried. "Stupid beer machine!" The machine responded with a rapid discharge of three mugs, which pelted Bombur, exploding. "I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it! I love beer!"

Bombur kneeled to the machine. "Ooh great beer machine, give me beer." He put in money, and pressed a button. The hose at the bottom looked up at him, and started spewing beer out. The pressure was so great; it hit Bombur clear off his feet. (Believe me, that is amazing pressure!) Bombur rolled around in the beverage, and got up. The beer had stopped firing, and the liquid had seeped into the cracks. "NOOO! I JUST WANT BEER!" Bombur lugged him mass and jumped into the large crack, hitting Dain on his long climb up, and sending both down for two straight minutes, before hitting the bottom, just as I am about to hit the bottom of the mountain in 37 seconds.

The beer machine shook, and a latch opened up in the back. Legolas climbed out, snickering. "Oh, it was all worth it." He said, laughing aloud. "It was all worth it."


End file.
